Excerpts from the Flu Diary – December 2018…
August 13th, 2009
Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Goat Flu, Horse Flu, Cat Flu, Dog Flu, Fish Flu, Plant Flu, Candy Flu, and finally, Human Speech Flu. The rate at which the flu gods have diversified their interests over the past decade has indeed been remarkable. Flues can now very-well compete with the tornadoes in as far as naming rituals and devastation is concerned. It all started in mid 00’s, when some South East Asian countries reported a flu like disease caused by a virus that originated in birds. That marked the beginning of what we all know now as the Flu Decade. From that moment onwards, not a single influenza season has passed when the human race has not been tormented by one or the other kind of flu.
My neighbour Mr. Lingama Srikant Shrestra Raju even named his five children Swine, Cat, Fish, Plant and Candy. A decade earlier these names would have caused major embarrassment to any person, but now-a-days these are regarded as “the coolest” along with Apple, Orange and the likes. Imagine some future prime minister named Plant. H.E. The Prime Minister of India Mrs. Plant Aiyar!!
Though these ten flues together have almost reduced the World Population by half and the grief and bereavement have been immense, still I can’t seem to overlook the brighter side of the spectrum. You all will agree that each year, as the flu season dawns there is always something to look forward to. I remember after the third year (Goat Flu), there was constant anticipation, prediction, prevision about where the next flu would come from. Suddenly women kitty-partying and men playing golf started sharing the same gossiping topics. Predicting the next flu even became the favourite conversation starter in Britain, where it replaced the now almost defunct weather talk. I even answered silly questions in Facebook that tried to predict what flu I am suitable for. It came up with Shoe once. Shoe!! Come on!!!
Now, so much predicting and prophesying can only lead to one heaven – betting stations. Trillions of $$ were earned and lost during the Cat Flu season, after which the Governments had to interfere and the UN had to pass the much despised resolution FLU/56/CAT/3, which stated that flu betting can’t involve any currency and only medicines can be at stake. I still have three rooms full of Cat Flu Medicines at my place. #$%& the UN.
We all remember how after the disastrous Dog Flu season that broke our million year bond with our canine friends, the Computer and Human Genetics Department of the University of Toobasiland came up with their path breaking MLRDAEPF (Multi Linear Regressive Differential Analysis for Effective Prediction of Flu) algorithm to predict and limit the next flu outbreak. The Department received the Noble Prize in medicine for this remarkable achievement, but was instantly confronted by jealousy and hate from the so-called world renowned Universities. Conspiracy theorists started hawking that the dramatic results observed the next year (Fish Flu) were largely due to the growing number of vegetarians in India, US and Europe, who stayed away from fish out of habit and not because of some silly golly-bolly algorithm. However, the conspirators had to soon mince their words when next year, the scientists were able to successfully predict the Plant Flu and stop it from becoming the “pandemic of the decade“.
That title (presented each year by the Federation of Flu victims ) curiously belongs to our very own, Human Speech Flu. Even in the realm of fludom, we were unwilling to concede our superiority to some animal or plant or candy. I distinctly recall feeling the sense of belonging when I first heard about that flu. The feeling however dissipated quickly when I saw the form in which it manifested itself. Remember, how we all had to learn sign language as speaking was almost synonymous to death? I heard one incident from Mr. L.S.S Raju where the “owner of the body” died just because he said, “Aye Ohh!!”. Pathetic way of dying!! It was also a major problem for those people who move their hands a lot when they speak. Imagine gesturing and signing at the same time! It was almost the signing equivalent of severe stuttering and mental block together. That flu however brought relief to millions of to-be-suicide cases — members of FOSLA (frustrated, one-sided lovers association), depressed maniacs, hopeless addicts, etc — who acted out their fantasies in billions of ways. May they rest in peace.
Everything that begins has to end. All these awe-inspiring flues also died to make way for the next generation of vicious flues. I just took the silly Facebook quiz again, which now claims to be using the MLRDAEPF algorithm and it predicts that next year it’s going to be Comb Flu. Only time will tell, but in the meantime, wanna bet…??
Categories: Humor, Social Issues
