DHAR DHAR

A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;

B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;

Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”.

Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party.

Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one’s decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred.

Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.

Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.

And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.

/************************************/

/*     Guidelines to development    */

/*              on the              */

/*    HOLLYWOOD OPERATING SYSTEM    */

/************************************/

1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file — and there are no undelete utilities.
Corollary: Deleting a file instantly removes all copies of said file from disks, memory, frame buffers and caches across all computers in the universe.

5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional,real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.

10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer can be infected with it — even an alien spaceship’s computer — simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.

13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of code controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year old who has seen a Unix system before. Seeing an operating system means you know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
       Note: What OS was it really running?
              (1) “These are super computers”.  A CrayOS?
              (2) “Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can.”  MacOS?
              (3) “Reboot. System ready. C:\”  DOS?
              (4) “Hey, this is Unix.  I know this”  Unix?
  The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS as a graphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base. (Simply put, it is not possible, you dung-head)

14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer. Presumably the virus has it’s own built-in power supply.

15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory “back door” all evil virus programmers put in.

16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.

17. All text must be at least 72 point.

18. Word processors do not have an insert point.

19. The only way to reboot is to shut off the main power to the building.

20. Passwords can be guessed in three and exactly three tries.  If you cannot guess the password in three tries, you must give up immediately. or the computer will start initiating the destruction sequence. 

21. Any task or program can be executed by simply pressing Enter, no mat
ter which program or window is in the foreground.

22. All scanners, video cameras and digital cameras have a resolution of approximately 500 megapixels.  Any image can be infinitely magnified with no pixelization.

23. Security will not improve over time. Nonaffialiated personnel can take over a space ship without needing an account or access control.
Corollary: Anyone can override access control lists in the future.

24. All hackers wear black T-shirts or Hawaiian shirts and have crazy hairstyles.

25. Incoming messages are displayed letter by letter.  Email over the Internet works like telegraphs.

26. Microsoft Windows doesn’t exist. Macintosh has a 75% market share.

27. GUI operations, such as image selection and manipulation, can be handled easily and quickly via the keyboard.

Silly question , ehh… Googling that gives us 42,600,000 web pages in 0.18 seconds . The Question may not be that silly after all…

The very fact that I googled the question guarantees me instant admittance into the ‘no-tie-tying-knowledge’ group. I did my schooling from a humble Kendriya Vidyalaya in Assam. Most people there couldn’t afford a Rs. 5 badge, let alone a tie. So, the Tie or to be more precise Necktie was never there in the school uniform and most of us never ever learned the nuances of tying a Necktie.

At the University, whenever I needed it, there was always somebody to help out. So, Tie tying skills never made it into my resume. It forever remained a thing for the friends to do.

That was all about yesteryears, but recently I had to go to a University Admission seminar and guess what, there was nobody around to help me out. So, after much trial and error and almost hanging myself a couple of times, I decided to consult the huge encyclopedia we call the Internet.

The wind was totally knocked out of me, when I saw this amazing illustration…

Can you imagine our forefathers from the Stone Age actually invented four different ways of tying a Necktie! (Actually there are more than four ways, but over the years the others have succumbed to fashion trends). Classification is generally based on the knot the Necktie uses. The four most common ways are 1) the Windsor Knot 2) The Half-Windsor knot 3) the Four-in-Hand knot and 4) the Bow tie.

The Windsor Necktie, which is the widest of them all, is shaped like a triangle and is generally suitable for extra-wide shirt collars.The Half-Windsor is the leaner compatriot of the Windsor and is the most common form of tying a Necktie. The four-in-hand is the longer and the straighter version, generally used as a complement to standard shirt collars. The final one is the bow tie, which unfortunately only looks good on Leonardo diCaprio and Pierce Brosnan. It is meant to be for the man who dresses with a certain flair and thus automatically rules me out.

Well, I sometimes wonder as to why they invented such a disgusting thing after all. Don’t tell me it looks good… It doesn’t. It virtually strangles your neck, so that rules out any practical significance. If you study the history of the Necktie, you will find that people started using it just because they thought tying a piece of cloth shows your status. However, the real reason is perhaps it helped distinguish ones own men from the others during war or conflicts. That was how it all began. Now days, we don’t need to distinguish between my men and your men and social status is a dying thing, but still the custom of tying the necktie has remained.

So, for the University Admission seminar, I choose the Half-Windsor and somehow (with the help of the mirror and my cheating skills) managed to get a decent shape resembling a tie. To my utter surprise, the admission seminar was an informal one and nobody (including the admission counselor) was wearing a tie or anything distantly resembling it. Seeing this I promptly removed my leash and stuffed it into my pocket. My much valued research into the art of tying a tie was , it seemed, totally useless. Or, was it!! Only time will tell… Peace

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.

I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.